bloominbabylonfic: (Grab Ass)
[personal profile] bloominbabylonfic
Title: Dear Beanie
Rating: R

Note: I have several comedy/parody songs on my ipod. And every time one of them plays I think of Eric. I can just picture him writing and singing these funny bits. Today, one came up and it made me think it would be a perfect birthday song for Bean. Hmm. I'll be a rats ass...never thought I'd write something for Beanie.

It was well past dusk; tiki torches lit the deck of Eric and Orlando’s beach house. They’d finished dinner and moved on to serious drinking and celebrating. The small group of friends traded stories and insults and toasted to Sean’s fiftieth birthday repeatedly.

Placing his beer on the table next his lounger, Eric pulled out his guitar. Sean caught the movement out of the corner of his eye and he tried to slide away and into the house.

He made it to the sliding glass door and was intercepted by Orlando, Eric’s partner in all things evil. At least he was carrying more beer.

“Uh-uh, Beanie. Get back out there.”

“But Eric is going to sing.” He grabbed a cold beer and tried to weasel between Orlando, the tub of beer and the door frame.

“I know. I can’t wait to hear it.”

“You didn’t help him write it?”

“Nope.” Orlando’s mouth curled into what would have been a sweet smile if someone didn‘t know him. “I was working last night, so Karl helped him.”

“Karl?” Sean’s mouth dried up and his throat tightened. He took a sip of beer but couldn’t seem to swallow. He didn’t know if this was good news or not.

“That’s right, me,” Karl said and swung an arm around Sean’s neck. He dragged Sean back to the circle of chairs and loungers and pushed him into a seat directly across from Eric, who just waggled his eyebrows at him. Karl plopped down next to Sean and took the beer Orlando was passing around. “What’s a birthday without one of Eric’s tunes?

“A good one?” Sean grumbled.

“You wound me,” Eric said as he plucked at the guitar strings.

“Can’t you do something?” Sean whined to Orlando. “Tie him up? Put him in time out? Burn his guitar?”

Orlando snorted and kissed the top of Eric’s head as he slid down to sit next to Eric. “No one, Beanie. No. One. Got it worse then I did. And he still got laid after he sang it. So shut the fuck up and listen to your song.”

Sean had to chuckle. Orlando could be right. Eric’s ode If I Were Gay had been a classic. He’d laughed for a week solid.

“Alright then!” Eric said loudly. “Everyone ready for Beanie’s birthday song?”

The group of people gathered around and Viggo took the seat on the other side of Sean. “Been waiting all night for this.”

“Fuck you.”

Viggo just laughed at him.

“Tonight,” Eric announced. “I’ll be singing the part of Beanie. And Karl, will be signing the part of Beanie’s donger.”

“Your Little Beanie,” Orlando said at Sean’s confused look.

Eric started strumming a slow country rhythm, humming quietly before he started to sing, a definite twang in his voice.

Dear Penis,
I don't think I like anymore,
You used to watch me shave,
Now all you do is stare at the floor.
Oh dear Penis,
I don't like you anymore.

Chuckles and snickers went around the circle of people and Eric gave them time to quiet before starting the second verse.

It used to be you and me,
A paper towel, and a dirty magazine,
That's all we needed to get by.
Now it seems things have changed,
I think that your the one to blame.
Dear Penis,
I don't like you anymore.

Eric nodded to Karl, who started singing.

Dear Beanie,
I don't think I like you anymore,
'Cause when you get to drinkin'
You put me places I've never been before.
Dear Beanie,
I don’t like you anymore.

Eric mimicked a sheep baa’ing and had to play a few extra chords before the giggles died down so Karl could continue the song.

Why can't we just get a grip,
On our man to hand relationship.
Come to terms with truly how we feel.
If we put our heads together,
We'd just stay home forever,

Eric chimed in again.

Dear Penis,
I think I like you after all.

He stopped playing, but Karl sang on.

Oh and Beanie,
While yer shavin',
Shave my balls

Eric howled and fell backwards taking Orlando with him. They both laughed and shrieked like fools. Karl was just as bad, holding his stomach and snorting. Viggo, never one for displays of any kind, was cackling and guffawing.

“Bunch of assholes,” Sean grumbled, but couldn’t hide his smile.


Beanie's song, for real is Rodney Carrington - Dear Penis

Orlando's song, Steven Lynch - If I Were Gay Come on, can't you just see Eric singing this to Orlando?

Date: 2009-04-19 05:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LMAO! Brilliant and hilarious!!!

Date: 2009-04-19 06:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

Thanks. I hoped someone would think its funny.

Date: 2009-04-19 06:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You are so nuts. NUTS. There needs to be a new word for it, really. I love you as much as Sean secretly loves Eric's song, maybe even as much as Sean's penis loves Sean's hand.

Date: 2009-04-19 08:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Coming from you, my sweet, I take that as the highest of compliments;)

Date: 2009-04-19 07:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]

I've gotta come back and click the link to the first one, but I've heard the second and you're exactly's PERFECT for Orlando.

*still snickering*

I'll be imagining this party for the rest of the week...and lamenting that I only got to go to this part. I'm so glad you wrote the sneak peek!

Date: 2009-04-19 10:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Aw, thank you!

If I Were Gay has me in tears every time I hear it. It never gets old!

Thanks for reading, I'm glad you liked.

Date: 2009-04-19 08:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
very good and funny your story I can,t stop of laugh imagine. Thanks beth your make my day!!!!!!!!!


Date: 2009-04-19 10:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks very much:) I'm glad you liked it.


Date: 2009-04-20 09:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL I,m enjoy a lot..........:)))

Big Huggles of back........:)))

Date: 2009-04-19 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
First off...Stephen Lynch FTW!!! Oh man, I love him :)


Okay, on to the fic...LOL! That's it, just LOL *g*

Date: 2009-04-19 10:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Lynch is a GOD!

Special Ed? THE BEST!

Thanks, glad it gave you a giggle.

Date: 2009-04-19 10:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
...and that's when I knew that Special Ed just made me special too.

Date: 2009-04-19 10:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
now I laugh as I count bugs
I give strangers great big hugs
next to me Ed is fine
yeah, he's a fuckin einstein

*bangs on keyboard*

Best! The.Best.

And I know you've heard Hermaphrodite?

Date: 2009-04-19 10:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
She's part girl,
She's part boy.
She's got parts everyone can enjoy.

Yaaaaaay!!! \o/

I loooooove 'Best Friends Song' too.

Man, now I wanna go listen to my SL CDs, but my sister has them - crack whore.


Date: 2009-04-19 11:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Too bad her package is bigger then mine!


"man mustard"...that's right up there with "boyhole"

Oh man, if your crack whore sister gives them back, would you upload them? Please *puppy eyes*. I've only got a few.

Date: 2009-04-19 11:48 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I have 'Superhero' and 'A Little Bit Special' - do you have those? I'll be sure to upload them if you don't...also went scrounging around and found his newest one.

Stephen Lynch - 3 Balloons (

I haven't listened to it yet so I have no idea what it's like but it was just released in March :)

Date: 2009-04-20 12:05 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Some of these may *not* be Steven Lynch...sometimes my 'sources' aren't good with that kind of stuff. Dear Penis was in my ipod as Steven Lynch too until I googled it for a link. And some of the titles may not be right either.

I've got Dungeons and Dragons, Half A Man, Hermaphrodite, I'm The Only Gay Eskimo, I Wanna F Your Sister, If I Were Gay, Kermit the Frog on Weed, Special Fred, Special Olympics and You Caught Me Spanking It.

Let me know if you need any of those.

Oooh! Thanks!

Date: 2009-04-20 12:29 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm pretty sure all of those songs are on either 'Superhero' or 'A Little Bit Special' but I'll let you know if I don't have one of those.

You're welcome - I hope it's good :) While I was scrounging around I found a few Mitch Hedburg CDs as well so I'm pretty much in heaven right now.

Date: 2009-04-20 01:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
oh dur...I thought those were song titles, not album titles.

Crazy Peanuts is pretty funny!

I'll have to google Mitch Hedburg after The Tudors. Charles! *squee*

Thanks again!

Date: 2009-04-20 01:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Comedy Central Presents Mitch Hedberg (

Oh man, Charles...nom nom nom.

Date: 2009-04-20 11:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
LOL! He's very 70s isn't he?

Whew...Henry is out douching himself this season.

Date: 2009-04-20 07:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
He is...I've always loved that bit about the Dufranes at the restaurant, whenever we go out and no one answers the hostess's call we're always, "oh no, what happened to the Dufranes???" :)

Total douchebaggery going on. Thank god Charles is there being all hot and lickable.

Date: 2009-04-20 01:08 am (UTC)
ext_39773: (orlando laugh :)))
From: [identity profile]
I can't believe you wrote a fic for Beanie's birthday... Loved the singing. *g*

Date: 2009-04-20 11:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Luck of the ipod shuffle;)


Date: 2009-04-20 06:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Too funny! Loved it!
Steven is hilarious!

*still giggling*

Date: 2009-04-20 11:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thanks, Peg!


Date: 2009-04-20 01:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
*snerfle* And yeah, I can see Eric singing this to Orlando, cheeky bastard.

Date: 2009-04-20 09:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I always wanted to write Eric singing that to Orlando. His way of asking for a date, lol;)

Date: 2009-04-20 04:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]


Also, that icon cracks me up!

P.S. So obvious Eric and Orlando ARE a loving couple! ;)

Date: 2009-04-20 09:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you:)

Look at Eric's face, you can tell he's up to no good.

Totally A.R.E a couple;)

Date: 2009-04-21 07:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
ROFLMAO!! That's great! Knew this song for some times, but never thought of it this way *falls from chair laughing*

Date: 2009-04-23 10:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank you:) My mind always tends to revolve around Eric and/or Orlando.

Date: 2009-04-23 12:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
This was too funny, loved it, thanks for lighten up my day :)

Date: 2009-04-23 10:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Thank *you* for reading;) And commenting.
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