bloominbabylonfic: (Grab Ass)
[personal profile] bloominbabylonfic
Title: Dear Beanie
Rating: R

Note: I have several comedy/parody songs on my ipod. And every time one of them plays I think of Eric. I can just picture him writing and singing these funny bits. Today, one came up and it made me think it would be a perfect birthday song for Bean. Hmm. I'll be a rats ass...never thought I'd write something for Beanie.



It was well past dusk; tiki torches lit the deck of Eric and Orlando’s beach house. They’d finished dinner and moved on to serious drinking and celebrating. The small group of friends traded stories and insults and toasted to Sean’s fiftieth birthday repeatedly.

Placing his beer on the table next his lounger, Eric pulled out his guitar. Sean caught the movement out of the corner of his eye and he tried to slide away and into the house.

He made it to the sliding glass door and was intercepted by Orlando, Eric’s partner in all things evil. At least he was carrying more beer.

“Uh-uh, Beanie. Get back out there.”

“But Eric is going to sing.” He grabbed a cold beer and tried to weasel between Orlando, the tub of beer and the door frame.

“I know. I can’t wait to hear it.”

“You didn’t help him write it?”

“Nope.” Orlando’s mouth curled into what would have been a sweet smile if someone didn‘t know him. “I was working last night, so Karl helped him.”

“Karl?” Sean’s mouth dried up and his throat tightened. He took a sip of beer but couldn’t seem to swallow. He didn’t know if this was good news or not.

“That’s right, me,” Karl said and swung an arm around Sean’s neck. He dragged Sean back to the circle of chairs and loungers and pushed him into a seat directly across from Eric, who just waggled his eyebrows at him. Karl plopped down next to Sean and took the beer Orlando was passing around. “What’s a birthday without one of Eric’s tunes?

“A good one?” Sean grumbled.

“You wound me,” Eric said as he plucked at the guitar strings.

“Can’t you do something?” Sean whined to Orlando. “Tie him up? Put him in time out? Burn his guitar?”

Orlando snorted and kissed the top of Eric’s head as he slid down to sit next to Eric. “No one, Beanie. No. One. Got it worse then I did. And he still got laid after he sang it. So shut the fuck up and listen to your song.”

Sean had to chuckle. Orlando could be right. Eric’s ode If I Were Gay had been a classic. He’d laughed for a week solid.

“Alright then!” Eric said loudly. “Everyone ready for Beanie’s birthday song?”

The group of people gathered around and Viggo took the seat on the other side of Sean. “Been waiting all night for this.”

“Fuck you.”

Viggo just laughed at him.

“Tonight,” Eric announced. “I’ll be singing the part of Beanie. And Karl, will be signing the part of Beanie’s donger.”

“Your Little Beanie,” Orlando said at Sean’s confused look.

Eric started strumming a slow country rhythm, humming quietly before he started to sing, a definite twang in his voice.

Dear Penis,
I don't think I like anymore,
You used to watch me shave,
Now all you do is stare at the floor.
Oh dear Penis,
I don't like you anymore.

Chuckles and snickers went around the circle of people and Eric gave them time to quiet before starting the second verse.

It used to be you and me,
A paper towel, and a dirty magazine,
That's all we needed to get by.
Now it seems things have changed,
I think that your the one to blame.
Dear Penis,
I don't like you anymore.

Eric nodded to Karl, who started singing.

Dear Beanie,
I don't think I like you anymore,
'Cause when you get to drinkin'
You put me places I've never been before.
Dear Beanie,
I don’t like you anymore.

Eric mimicked a sheep baa’ing and had to play a few extra chords before the giggles died down so Karl could continue the song.

Why can't we just get a grip,
On our man to hand relationship.
Come to terms with truly how we feel.
If we put our heads together,
We'd just stay home forever,


Eric chimed in again.

Dear Penis,
I think I like you after all.

He stopped playing, but Karl sang on.

Oh and Beanie,
While yer shavin',
Shave my balls

Eric howled and fell backwards taking Orlando with him. They both laughed and shrieked like fools. Karl was just as bad, holding his stomach and snorting. Viggo, never one for displays of any kind, was cackling and guffawing.

“Bunch of assholes,” Sean grumbled, but couldn’t hide his smile.

end.

Beanie's song, for real is Rodney Carrington - Dear Penis

Orlando's song, Steven Lynch - If I Were Gay Come on, can't you just see Eric singing this to Orlando?
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