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bloominbabylonficTitle: Not Enough
Author: Beth
Rating: NC-17
Warning: language, angst, sex
Summary: Sometimes…love isn’t enough…
Feedback: Yes, please!
~ Not Enough, 1 ~
~ Not Enough, 2 ~
~ Not Enough, 3 ~
~ Not Enough, 4 ~
~ Not Enough, 5 ~
A/N: My thanks to Lisa for her unwavering support when I’m being a dingbat
Not Enough, 6
Soft movement of her hair woke Shelby. She yawned and inhaled a light floral scent. “Mmmm…something smells good.” she said.
“That would be me.” Orlando answered, placing another delicate plumeria blossom in her hair. He had woken before her, and feeling romantic and playful, Orlando had gathered the sweet smelling flowers from the trees that covered Mike’s property.
“Smells a little feminine for you Orlando. Maybe all those internet rumors about you and Viggo are true.”
He chuckled lightly. Adjusting the last pink flower he answered “I’ll never tell.” He looked down as his handiwork. Shelby’s hair was fanned out around her head; pink, yellow, and white blooms decorated each wavy curl.
Shelby finally opened her eyes to see Orlando’s smiling face. “Good morning beautiful” he said before kissing her gently.
Shelby ran her thumb over his lower lip, her eyes watering slightly. “I’m so sorry I hurt you Orlando.”
A sad smile crossed his face. He grasped her hand, kissing her palm. “I know baby. I’m sorry I hurt you too.”
They remained quiet for a moment. Orlando spoke first “Let’s get some breakfast, and then we’ll talk. Ok?”
She nodded and reached for her sarong. Shelby stood up, wrapping the sarong around her. Orlando shook out the blanket and wriggled his behind some. Shelby giggled as he twisted in his jeans.
“What are you doing?”
“I’ve got sand in my ass. Let’s add a shower to our ‘to do’ list.” He answered as he walked up the beach. She laughed and followed Orlando’s twitching behind to the house. He turned at the sound of her laughter. “Come on, hurry up now.” Shelby jogged up to him and Orlando wrapped an arm around her waist, flowers falling from her hair as they walked.
They showered together, but kept it platonic, thinking it best to wait until they had settled things. But as they dried off, their eyes met and they were powerless to resist each other. And they were unwilling to talk just then, and they made love again.
Each of them was a bit nervous chatting about nothing more important than the weather as they shared a quiet breakfast. Unable to stand the pressure any longer Orlando opened his mouth to start the discussion when his cell phone rang loudly. His brow creased in a frown and he groused “If this is Lija, I’ll fucking kill him.”
He checked the caller ID and swore “Shit. It’s Cameron. I have to take this.” He smiled apologetically.
“It’s ok.” She got up to give him some privacy as he answered the phone. Orlando grabbed her hand and spoke to Cameron at the other end “Yeah, hang on a minute, ok?”
“I won’t be long. And then we’ll talk. I promise.” He kissed her hand, and Shelby kissed the top of his head. She heard him say “Yeah, I’m back. No, I’m in Kauai….never mind that. What’s up?” as she walked through the lanai doors and towards the beach.
She wandered to the edge of the ocean, her toes digging into the wet sand. Shelby tried once again to analyze her fears. As soon as Orlando finished his phone call he would seek her out, and they would have their ‘talk’. He would have questions that deserved answers.
That Shelby loved Orlando, and he loved her was not in question. She knew that her fear that he would leave her was unfounded. Orlando was nothing if not loyal. But still people changed, and one could never be completely sure of anything, especially if they were constantly separated. The theory that a person should trust to fate never sat well with her in areas of love and commitment. But the rational part of her mind told her that other than living without love, there was no choice but to trust blindly. “Life is such a bitch sometimes”, she said to herself.
Her fears confused her. On one hand she had a fierce independent streak. She didn’t want to depend on anyone, even Orlando, for anything. She reasoned that it was a matter of survival. If she relied on Orlando too much and something happened to him, or to their relationship, what would happen to Shelby? Rebuilding her life without Orlando would be hard enough, but to do it without a stable job and income? Shelby wasn’t sure if it would be possible. The sorry fact of it was that money, not love makes the world go around.
She tried another thought pattern. There was the aspect of leaving her job behind that didn’t involve finance. Shelby enjoyed her job; she took pride in her work. She had worked hard at building the company; it was like a child to her. She didn’t want to abandon it. Plus, Shelby loathed most women who gave up their careers and lives for a man, and then followed him around like a dog on a leash. She had met several of these types of women, and they both bored and saddened her. Their conversation topics never ranged further than the latest fashion trend, romance novel, or what their husband/boyfriend was doing. It was like they had been lobotomized. She wouldn’t do that to herself or to Orlando. He had no interest in brainless arm candy that had nothing to contribute other than complimenting his latest film or magazine spread.
But Shelby feared that if she gave up her career to follow him that is exactly what would happen. What would she do with all that time? Her brain would rot, their relationship would stagnate, and the end would soon follow.
Her thoughts changed direction again. As independent as she was, Shelby also craved to be held and taken care of by Orlando. Sometimes she wanted the knight in shining armor. Shelby didn’t want to be clingy or worse yet weak. But she did love the feeling of being protected by Orlando and claimed as his. He inspired feelings in her that she didn’t really understand, she just cherished. In the past Shelby bristled as she was introduced as ‘my girlfriend’, but when introduced as Orlando’s girlfriend, she felt pride. “Man…I’m fucked up.” She mumbled to herself again, and then chuckled, thinking that Orlando had a tall order to fill. She had never wanted that from any other man she had dated, but Shelby had never felt the way she did for anyone like she did about Orlando.
And then she had to think about what Orlando needed and wanted. It was clear that he loved her, and he wanted her with him. He said he needed Shelby with him. And it wasn’t that she didn’t need or want to be with Orlando more, she just wasn’t sure if it would work.
Her mind spun in circles, one continuous stream of thought that was left unresolved before the next thought popped up for examination.
Orlando walked quietly up behind her. Shelby was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice him until he sat down behind her. “Hello, love” he murmured, kissing her cheek as he settled his body behind her. Shelby sighed and leaned back against his chest, pulling his arms around her middle. Orlando stretched his long legs on the outside of hers. ‘All wrapped up in Orlando’ she thought warmly.
“What do you see in our future Orlando? What do you want?”
He thought quietly for a moment before answering. “I want us to be together. I want both of us to be happy. I want to marry you someday, maybe have a few hundred babies.”
Shelby laughed. “Is it that simple? Be happy?”
“Being happy doesn’t have to be hard, baby. And it isn’t hard for me when I’m with you. I’m not saying that life doesn’t get difficult at times, but I can handle anything if the end result is you and me together.”
“I don’t know if it can be that easy.” She said sadly.
Orlando sighed. “Do I make you happy Shel?”
Without a doubt in her mind, Shelby answered “More than anything or anyone in the world.”
“If you love me, and I love you, it could be that easy. Or at least most of it can be. Sometimes we’ll have to work harder at it, but as long as we are together, we can find our way.”
His voice was almost hypnotic. Orlando spoke with such conviction; he truly believed that because they were in love, everything else would fall into place around them. Shelby felt like the voice of doom in this conversation, she wished she had the same faith that Orlando had.
“How can you be so sure of everything Orlando?”
“I’m not. I am sure about a few things…things that matter.” He stated sincerely. “I’m sure that I love you. I’m sure that I thought I was going to die these last two weeks with out you. I’m sure that I’ll do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.”
Shelby stilled, absorbing what Orlando had said, trying to make herself have the same confidence that he had.
Her silence worried him. She still had doubts about their relationship, he knew it. There was no turning back now. He couldn’t simply ignore that Shelby did not believe in them as much as he did. He couldn’t make this work by himself. Orlando needed to know what he was up against, and though he feared that the question might lead to the demise of their relationship he asked it anyway.
“What are you frightened of Shel?”
She sighed, and resigned herself to telling him the truth, no matter how stupid she felt. “I’m afraid of losing myself in you. Only seeing myself as a part of you, instead of a part of us. That I won’t know who I am anymore. Becoming so attached to you that I can’t stand on my own. I’m afraid of needing you too much, and that you won’t be there when I need you. I’m afraid that when I’m so wrapped up in you, I’ll lose you. And I won’t know how to survive. Or because I’ve left my career behind, I won’t be able to survive. I’m afraid of going with you and becoming a brainless moron because I have nothing to do all day. And that one day you’ll discover that I’m not the woman you once knew, and you’ll leave.”
Reflexively Orlando’s arms tightened around her waist. Knowing that no matter what reassurances he offered her, they wouldn’t be enough. He nuzzled his face against her neck, kissing her lightly, hoping that what words couldn’t convey, his touch would.
Her body trembled slightly, and he turned Shelby to him. She pressed her face to his chest as she began to cry. Orlando was a little shocked at her revelation. Shelby was one of the strongest people he knew, that she had such fears, never entered his mind. Although it probably should have, everyone had insecurities, why wouldn’t Shelby? He stroked her back, letting her release the tension before trying to talk to her. He wouldn’t tell her that her fears were groundless.
“Does staying in LA and working make you feel that those things won’t happen?” He asked softly.
“For some reason, yes, it does.”
That Shelby’s career seemed to provide security that he couldn’t hurt him, but Orlando wouldn’t give her an ultimatum. He loved Shelby, and wasn’t willing to give up easily.
“Shelby, I love you more than anything in my life. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do to make you happy. I want you with me all the time, but if you can’t do that, I won’t push you. I won’t ask you for something that you can’t give me. We’ll make this work, even with the separations.”
“Do you mean that? Do you think we’ll be ok being apart so much? It’s been so hard these last few times.”
He could hear the despair in Shelby’s voice, and Orlando couldn’t hold in his defeated sigh. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure that they would be ok. He desperately wanted and needed Shelby with him, but he wouldn’t burden Shelby with more things to worry about.
He answered honestly. “If I had known that you felt this way, I never would have asked you to leave LA. I’d rather have you in my life part time than not at all.”
The words ‘part time’ bit into Shelby’s heart. She knew that Orlando didn’t realize what he had said, but the meaning was clear to Shelby. They were moving backwards, not forward.
“But this isn’t what you really want, is it Orlando?” She asked softly, hiding her eyes from him.
“No, its not. But I’m not willing to let go of you. I love you too much.”
Shelby’s heart broke. Orlando was settling. He was compromising what he needed and wanted to make her happy.
“You can’t do this. I won’t let you sacrifice your needs…”
Orlando lifted her chin, smiled and silenced her with a soft kiss. “You have no say in this Shel. It’s my decision. And this is what will make me happy, because it makes you happy.”
He gently kissed her again, pulling her trembling body to his. Shelby snuggled her face against his chest, her heart aching. She knew that Orlando meant what he said. But she also knew that in time, both she and Orlando would grow weary of the distance between them, and it would be over. But there was no changing his mind once it was made up.
“I love you Orlando.”
“I love you too, Shel.”
She knew that their time together wouldn’t be long. Orlando wouldn’t realize this until after they had endured many arguments and there was nothing left between them but anger and pain. Shelby knew that she would have to be the one to leave before the arguing and pain were the only memories of their relationship. And she would have to do it soon.
~tbc~
Author: Beth
Rating: NC-17
Warning: language, angst, sex
Summary: Sometimes…love isn’t enough…
Feedback: Yes, please!
~ Not Enough, 1 ~
~ Not Enough, 2 ~
~ Not Enough, 3 ~
~ Not Enough, 4 ~
~ Not Enough, 5 ~
A/N: My thanks to Lisa for her unwavering support when I’m being a dingbat
Not Enough, 6
Soft movement of her hair woke Shelby. She yawned and inhaled a light floral scent. “Mmmm…something smells good.” she said.
“That would be me.” Orlando answered, placing another delicate plumeria blossom in her hair. He had woken before her, and feeling romantic and playful, Orlando had gathered the sweet smelling flowers from the trees that covered Mike’s property.
“Smells a little feminine for you Orlando. Maybe all those internet rumors about you and Viggo are true.”
He chuckled lightly. Adjusting the last pink flower he answered “I’ll never tell.” He looked down as his handiwork. Shelby’s hair was fanned out around her head; pink, yellow, and white blooms decorated each wavy curl.
Shelby finally opened her eyes to see Orlando’s smiling face. “Good morning beautiful” he said before kissing her gently.
Shelby ran her thumb over his lower lip, her eyes watering slightly. “I’m so sorry I hurt you Orlando.”
A sad smile crossed his face. He grasped her hand, kissing her palm. “I know baby. I’m sorry I hurt you too.”
They remained quiet for a moment. Orlando spoke first “Let’s get some breakfast, and then we’ll talk. Ok?”
She nodded and reached for her sarong. Shelby stood up, wrapping the sarong around her. Orlando shook out the blanket and wriggled his behind some. Shelby giggled as he twisted in his jeans.
“What are you doing?”
“I’ve got sand in my ass. Let’s add a shower to our ‘to do’ list.” He answered as he walked up the beach. She laughed and followed Orlando’s twitching behind to the house. He turned at the sound of her laughter. “Come on, hurry up now.” Shelby jogged up to him and Orlando wrapped an arm around her waist, flowers falling from her hair as they walked.
They showered together, but kept it platonic, thinking it best to wait until they had settled things. But as they dried off, their eyes met and they were powerless to resist each other. And they were unwilling to talk just then, and they made love again.
Each of them was a bit nervous chatting about nothing more important than the weather as they shared a quiet breakfast. Unable to stand the pressure any longer Orlando opened his mouth to start the discussion when his cell phone rang loudly. His brow creased in a frown and he groused “If this is Lija, I’ll fucking kill him.”
He checked the caller ID and swore “Shit. It’s Cameron. I have to take this.” He smiled apologetically.
“It’s ok.” She got up to give him some privacy as he answered the phone. Orlando grabbed her hand and spoke to Cameron at the other end “Yeah, hang on a minute, ok?”
“I won’t be long. And then we’ll talk. I promise.” He kissed her hand, and Shelby kissed the top of his head. She heard him say “Yeah, I’m back. No, I’m in Kauai….never mind that. What’s up?” as she walked through the lanai doors and towards the beach.
She wandered to the edge of the ocean, her toes digging into the wet sand. Shelby tried once again to analyze her fears. As soon as Orlando finished his phone call he would seek her out, and they would have their ‘talk’. He would have questions that deserved answers.
That Shelby loved Orlando, and he loved her was not in question. She knew that her fear that he would leave her was unfounded. Orlando was nothing if not loyal. But still people changed, and one could never be completely sure of anything, especially if they were constantly separated. The theory that a person should trust to fate never sat well with her in areas of love and commitment. But the rational part of her mind told her that other than living without love, there was no choice but to trust blindly. “Life is such a bitch sometimes”, she said to herself.
Her fears confused her. On one hand she had a fierce independent streak. She didn’t want to depend on anyone, even Orlando, for anything. She reasoned that it was a matter of survival. If she relied on Orlando too much and something happened to him, or to their relationship, what would happen to Shelby? Rebuilding her life without Orlando would be hard enough, but to do it without a stable job and income? Shelby wasn’t sure if it would be possible. The sorry fact of it was that money, not love makes the world go around.
She tried another thought pattern. There was the aspect of leaving her job behind that didn’t involve finance. Shelby enjoyed her job; she took pride in her work. She had worked hard at building the company; it was like a child to her. She didn’t want to abandon it. Plus, Shelby loathed most women who gave up their careers and lives for a man, and then followed him around like a dog on a leash. She had met several of these types of women, and they both bored and saddened her. Their conversation topics never ranged further than the latest fashion trend, romance novel, or what their husband/boyfriend was doing. It was like they had been lobotomized. She wouldn’t do that to herself or to Orlando. He had no interest in brainless arm candy that had nothing to contribute other than complimenting his latest film or magazine spread.
But Shelby feared that if she gave up her career to follow him that is exactly what would happen. What would she do with all that time? Her brain would rot, their relationship would stagnate, and the end would soon follow.
Her thoughts changed direction again. As independent as she was, Shelby also craved to be held and taken care of by Orlando. Sometimes she wanted the knight in shining armor. Shelby didn’t want to be clingy or worse yet weak. But she did love the feeling of being protected by Orlando and claimed as his. He inspired feelings in her that she didn’t really understand, she just cherished. In the past Shelby bristled as she was introduced as ‘my girlfriend’, but when introduced as Orlando’s girlfriend, she felt pride. “Man…I’m fucked up.” She mumbled to herself again, and then chuckled, thinking that Orlando had a tall order to fill. She had never wanted that from any other man she had dated, but Shelby had never felt the way she did for anyone like she did about Orlando.
And then she had to think about what Orlando needed and wanted. It was clear that he loved her, and he wanted her with him. He said he needed Shelby with him. And it wasn’t that she didn’t need or want to be with Orlando more, she just wasn’t sure if it would work.
Her mind spun in circles, one continuous stream of thought that was left unresolved before the next thought popped up for examination.
Orlando walked quietly up behind her. Shelby was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t notice him until he sat down behind her. “Hello, love” he murmured, kissing her cheek as he settled his body behind her. Shelby sighed and leaned back against his chest, pulling his arms around her middle. Orlando stretched his long legs on the outside of hers. ‘All wrapped up in Orlando’ she thought warmly.
“What do you see in our future Orlando? What do you want?”
He thought quietly for a moment before answering. “I want us to be together. I want both of us to be happy. I want to marry you someday, maybe have a few hundred babies.”
Shelby laughed. “Is it that simple? Be happy?”
“Being happy doesn’t have to be hard, baby. And it isn’t hard for me when I’m with you. I’m not saying that life doesn’t get difficult at times, but I can handle anything if the end result is you and me together.”
“I don’t know if it can be that easy.” She said sadly.
Orlando sighed. “Do I make you happy Shel?”
Without a doubt in her mind, Shelby answered “More than anything or anyone in the world.”
“If you love me, and I love you, it could be that easy. Or at least most of it can be. Sometimes we’ll have to work harder at it, but as long as we are together, we can find our way.”
His voice was almost hypnotic. Orlando spoke with such conviction; he truly believed that because they were in love, everything else would fall into place around them. Shelby felt like the voice of doom in this conversation, she wished she had the same faith that Orlando had.
“How can you be so sure of everything Orlando?”
“I’m not. I am sure about a few things…things that matter.” He stated sincerely. “I’m sure that I love you. I’m sure that I thought I was going to die these last two weeks with out you. I’m sure that I’ll do whatever it takes to make this relationship work.”
Shelby stilled, absorbing what Orlando had said, trying to make herself have the same confidence that he had.
Her silence worried him. She still had doubts about their relationship, he knew it. There was no turning back now. He couldn’t simply ignore that Shelby did not believe in them as much as he did. He couldn’t make this work by himself. Orlando needed to know what he was up against, and though he feared that the question might lead to the demise of their relationship he asked it anyway.
“What are you frightened of Shel?”
She sighed, and resigned herself to telling him the truth, no matter how stupid she felt. “I’m afraid of losing myself in you. Only seeing myself as a part of you, instead of a part of us. That I won’t know who I am anymore. Becoming so attached to you that I can’t stand on my own. I’m afraid of needing you too much, and that you won’t be there when I need you. I’m afraid that when I’m so wrapped up in you, I’ll lose you. And I won’t know how to survive. Or because I’ve left my career behind, I won’t be able to survive. I’m afraid of going with you and becoming a brainless moron because I have nothing to do all day. And that one day you’ll discover that I’m not the woman you once knew, and you’ll leave.”
Reflexively Orlando’s arms tightened around her waist. Knowing that no matter what reassurances he offered her, they wouldn’t be enough. He nuzzled his face against her neck, kissing her lightly, hoping that what words couldn’t convey, his touch would.
Her body trembled slightly, and he turned Shelby to him. She pressed her face to his chest as she began to cry. Orlando was a little shocked at her revelation. Shelby was one of the strongest people he knew, that she had such fears, never entered his mind. Although it probably should have, everyone had insecurities, why wouldn’t Shelby? He stroked her back, letting her release the tension before trying to talk to her. He wouldn’t tell her that her fears were groundless.
“Does staying in LA and working make you feel that those things won’t happen?” He asked softly.
“For some reason, yes, it does.”
That Shelby’s career seemed to provide security that he couldn’t hurt him, but Orlando wouldn’t give her an ultimatum. He loved Shelby, and wasn’t willing to give up easily.
“Shelby, I love you more than anything in my life. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do to make you happy. I want you with me all the time, but if you can’t do that, I won’t push you. I won’t ask you for something that you can’t give me. We’ll make this work, even with the separations.”
“Do you mean that? Do you think we’ll be ok being apart so much? It’s been so hard these last few times.”
He could hear the despair in Shelby’s voice, and Orlando couldn’t hold in his defeated sigh. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure that they would be ok. He desperately wanted and needed Shelby with him, but he wouldn’t burden Shelby with more things to worry about.
He answered honestly. “If I had known that you felt this way, I never would have asked you to leave LA. I’d rather have you in my life part time than not at all.”
The words ‘part time’ bit into Shelby’s heart. She knew that Orlando didn’t realize what he had said, but the meaning was clear to Shelby. They were moving backwards, not forward.
“But this isn’t what you really want, is it Orlando?” She asked softly, hiding her eyes from him.
“No, its not. But I’m not willing to let go of you. I love you too much.”
Shelby’s heart broke. Orlando was settling. He was compromising what he needed and wanted to make her happy.
“You can’t do this. I won’t let you sacrifice your needs…”
Orlando lifted her chin, smiled and silenced her with a soft kiss. “You have no say in this Shel. It’s my decision. And this is what will make me happy, because it makes you happy.”
He gently kissed her again, pulling her trembling body to his. Shelby snuggled her face against his chest, her heart aching. She knew that Orlando meant what he said. But she also knew that in time, both she and Orlando would grow weary of the distance between them, and it would be over. But there was no changing his mind once it was made up.
“I love you Orlando.”
“I love you too, Shel.”
She knew that their time together wouldn’t be long. Orlando wouldn’t realize this until after they had endured many arguments and there was nothing left between them but anger and pain. Shelby knew that she would have to be the one to leave before the arguing and pain were the only memories of their relationship. And she would have to do it soon.
~tbc~
